not a lot of people read this so i can spill my guts and not have to hear about it repeatedly.

today was the ugly cry. there's only one other person in my life that has made me cry like that. there's times i can't breathe and times where i can feel my heart broken.

i can't be just friends with him. i look at him and think i want to marry him spend the rest of my life with him.i don't know if he knows hows this feels. i don't know what he's thinking. if he's hurting like i am why can't we just stay together. none of this makes sense. i don't want to leave my apartment. i keep trying to sleep it doesn't work i just keep thinking. i can't quit thinking. i just can't hel but feel this is all my fault. i'm too needy. but.

if he truly loved me he would never want me to be in this pain. he would never actually be the cause of my pain.

i can't breathe right now.

it's the ugly cry.

so i sort of ate my words. i am now doing props for the melodrama.

and i got the job at home depot.  let's hope it all works out.

this is the first show in about a year that i have not been involved in. it's hard. i went to rehearsals last night because i had nothing better to do. then when derek and i got home he turned my living room in to the arena and practiced his blocking.
it was cute.

my crabs have a new tank. they seem to enjoy it so far. i want to get them new toys. or a new crab.

i have my second interview at home depot in a few minutes. so i should probably go. let's hope i get the job.

i just wanted to write something.

i love doc, but i hate monologues.. therefore i dislike acting 2.

let me mention again dr jerry ivins is a wonderful professor and i learn so much from him but they only reason i dislike acting 2 is i hate monologues

i hate monologues.. did i say that already? oh yeah.

Derek and Blair. She's the cutest and chubbiest 2 month old i've ever known :)

I missed my shows so i can hang out with her... i mean her parents... no i mean her. I should ask blair to be toto haha.

Cast list is still not up yet. we find out tomorrow morning. i feel nervous for my boyfriend.

TETA was much fun except for having to stay at the hotel with no room untill 11 something at night. we got home a 3 30 and at 7 derek's job called saying that he was scheduled to work even though he had requested the weekend off for the convention. but he didn't have to go and he didn't get in trouble so that's cool. my apartment is still a mess. i keep looking at everything knowing i should hang my clothes up. it's just the actual action of hanging up my clothes that never quite works.